Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for:

  • Time off: I’m on vacation. For a whole week. It is AMAZING. Seriously. I need to take a vacation more often. Even if I’m really new to my new position, it had been too log since a vacation. It needs to happen regularly. 
  • Beach days: call me weird, but I love the days that are 30 degrees (Celsius) where I can sit on the beach by a lake all day. And that’s what today was. It’s my happy place!
  • Wine: I mean who doesn’t like wine? I am on vacation in the wine capital of BC. Which basically means I drink a lot of wine. 
  • Sister time: hanging out with my sister is great. Even better cause we have the same tastes and interests. And we are on vacation together!

What are you thankful for this week?

A Place to Belong 

Two years ago I wrote this post about being the new kid at work. 

At the time I was feeling too new, like I wasn’t fitting in, and wondering if I ever would fit in. 

In the post I wrote that someday I would look back on it and laugh.

And here I am, laughing. 

I don’t know when it happened. When I went from being the new kid to belonging there. 

But I belong now. 

It’s been two years. I’m in a new position now. But I still feel like I belong. 

My coworkers have become friends. 

We laugh together. We cry together (in theory anyways, not in real life). We talk, we support, we help. 

It’s a great atmosphere. One I’m glad I belong to. Without it I couldn’t do the work that I do. Without it I would have quit a long time ago. 

The place you work matters a lot. Especially in social work. The support of your teammates is invaluable. Having people who understand the work and the toll it can take on a person. 

It is one of the biggest factors in taking care of yourself I think. 

Without a supportive work environment there is nothing. 

Work becomes home. It’s a place you are all the time after all. It needs to be a place you belong. 

And I belong. 

I belong to a family of social workers. 

Illusion of Independence 

Sometimes I think I got this thing called life. Like a child who runs off to explore life. I like to act like I am on my own, like I have all the answers, like I need nothing but myself. 

But though the child runs off to explore life, independent, we all know there is a parent nearby. The child has just an illusion of independence. He explores and acts in the safety of that watchful eye of a parent. 

My life is like that. I think I’m independent. But then, in a moment of weakness, I remember that my independence is also just an illusion. God is there with me. 

And it might seem stifling, to never have true independence, to always have Someone watching you, looking out for you. 

But really it just feels safe. I feel secure knowing I am not alone. And that I will never be alone.

In my moment of weakness, when I’m not sleeping and I’m stressed with work and life is wearing me down, I turn to God. 

And His love surrounds me. 

His comfort reaches me. 

His strength carries me through. 

Without it I would be a mess. I would be lost. 

I would be independent, but at what cost?

I value being utterly dependent on a God who never fails and never leaves.

I value the illusion. 

I value the illusion of independence that means I am never alone. 

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for:

  • Dairy Queen: I mean isn’t everyone? It’s so good. A wonderful treat 
  • Alone time: because I need it sometimes. All by myself in my house. It is peaceful. 
  • Crafts: I’ve been feeling crafty lately. So this week I painted, and crafted, and now I’m newly organized!
  • Starbucks: I usually get a lot of Starbucks. All the time. But not lately. This week I got my first one in a while. It was delicious. 

What are you thankful for this week?

Finding the Off Switch

It’s been about 3 weeks since I became a child protection social worker. I have learned a lot. And it’s been very overwhelming at times. 

I think I need a vacation.

 (Just kidding…Sort of)

The main thing I’ve learned: it’s not so easy to turn off my work brain. 

In my previous job I was really good at leaving work at work. At not taking it home with me. At having a professional life and a personal life. 

Suddenly it’s not so easy. 

It’s not so easy to stop worrying. 

It’s not so easy to stop planning. 

It’s not so easy to forget about the growing to do list waiting for me.

It’s not so easy to forget about the things that didn’t get done today. 

It’s not so easy to leave it all behind. 

Sleep has not been easy the last week. I can’t fall asleep. My mind keeps thinking, worrying, feeling. I wake up too early and think more about everything, planning my day before it’s even begun. 

I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t have any strategies for this. It came easy before, naturally. And now, now it takes work. 

But this can’t keep happening. 

I’m trying to find the off switch. And finding it might be difficult. 

Anyone have any suggestions? 

Thankful Thursday 

This week I am thankful for:

  • Long weekends: this weekend I had 4 days off. And it was fantastic. I was busy. But good busy. And a good mix of busy and relaxation. 
  • Sunshine: who doesn’t love sunshine?! Seriously. It makes me happy. Reading outside. Just hanging out. It’s wonderful. 
  • Family: family who are also friends, to be more specific. My family is also some of my best friends. Laughing, drinking, and hanging out together…it’s great!

What are you thankful for this week?

Drowning in Fear

I am afraid of spiders. 

Small ones. Big ones. Black ones. Colourful ones (those exist right?)

I am too terrified to even kill them. That involves getting close to them after all. 

In my defence, I have been getting better. I can kill them sometimes now. 

I’m afraid of heights. 

All heights. Anytime I can see how high I am…looking off the side of a mountain or cliff. Looking below me on a bridge. 

I always think I’m going to fall. And die. 

Except for roller coasters. There’s enough adrenaline in them to counteract the fear. 

But those are the fears that are easy to talk about. The ones that are on the surface. 

There are other fears too. The ones you can’t see. The ones you don’t talk about. 

I’m afraid of the unknown. 

Of what lies in the future. Of the consequences (both good and bad) of the choices I’ve made. 

Not knowing the outcome. Not knowing if it was right. 

I’m afraid of failure. 

I want to do a good job. Most of the time I want to be perfect. Because failure is scarey. 

It’s not that I believe I’m perfect. I’m not. But failing at something, whether it’s my work life or my personal life, that seems unacceptable. 

I’m afraid of not living up to other people’s expectations of me. 

I’m afraid of doing the wrong thing. Saying the wrong thing. Being the wrong thing. 

The fear of never being enough. Without even knowing what enough is. 

I’m afraid of being insignificant. 

Not that I think I need to make my mark on mankind. Not that I think I must accomplish something grande. 

I’m afraid of being forgotten. Of being invisible. Of being nothing. 

I’m afraid of being alone. 

I love to be alone. I’m an introvert. But I want to be alone by choice. 

I want people to know me. To love me. To choose me.

I’m afraid of vulnerability. 

I’m afraid if people know me they will not like me. They will not understand. They will not stay. 

Sometimes fear comes in like a waterfall. 

A waterfall that overwhelms me. That makes me feel small, insignificant, crushed. 

A waterfall that drowns me. 

I’m drowning in a waterfall of fear. 

Trying to break through the surface. 

To take a deep breath and swim away.