Drowning in Fear

I am afraid of spiders. 

Small ones. Big ones. Black ones. Colourful ones (those exist right?)

I am too terrified to even kill them. That involves getting close to them after all. 

In my defence, I have been getting better. I can kill them sometimes now. 

I’m afraid of heights. 

All heights. Anytime I can see how high I am…looking off the side of a mountain or cliff. Looking below me on a bridge. 

I always think I’m going to fall. And die. 

Except for roller coasters. There’s enough adrenaline in them to counteract the fear. 

But those are the fears that are easy to talk about. The ones that are on the surface. 

There are other fears too. The ones you can’t see. The ones you don’t talk about. 

I’m afraid of the unknown. 

Of what lies in the future. Of the consequences (both good and bad) of the choices I’ve made. 

Not knowing the outcome. Not knowing if it was right. 

I’m afraid of failure. 

I want to do a good job. Most of the time I want to be perfect. Because failure is scarey. 

It’s not that I believe I’m perfect. I’m not. But failing at something, whether it’s my work life or my personal life, that seems unacceptable. 

I’m afraid of not living up to other people’s expectations of me. 

I’m afraid of doing the wrong thing. Saying the wrong thing. Being the wrong thing. 

The fear of never being enough. Without even knowing what enough is. 

I’m afraid of being insignificant. 

Not that I think I need to make my mark on mankind. Not that I think I must accomplish something grande. 

I’m afraid of being forgotten. Of being invisible. Of being nothing. 

I’m afraid of being alone. 

I love to be alone. I’m an introvert. But I want to be alone by choice. 

I want people to know me. To love me. To choose me.

I’m afraid of vulnerability. 

I’m afraid if people know me they will not like me. They will not understand. They will not stay. 

Sometimes fear comes in like a waterfall. 

A waterfall that overwhelms me. That makes me feel small, insignificant, crushed. 

A waterfall that drowns me. 

I’m drowning in a waterfall of fear. 

Trying to break through the surface. 

To take a deep breath and swim away. 

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