I can’t sleep.
It started a week ago. This inability to fall asleep. This inability to stay asleep.
I’ve been waking up around 5am. And be done with sleep. No falling back asleep.
My mind turns on and it doesn’t go away. My thoughts start racing. About today, yesterday, tomorrow.
I try everything. Counting. Deep breaths. Focusing my thoughts.
And still it continues.
I know the cause.
It is anxiety.
Anxiety about my job. About what I’m doing or not doing. About whether I’m even cut out for this job.
It’s anxiety about me as a person. Judging myself. Judging my life. And finding myself lacking.
And it’s anxiety about sleep. I am so anxious about my need to sleep that I don’t sleep.
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I go to bed expecting to wake up at 5am. And, shockingly, I wake up at 5am.
But I need to let go.
Let go of the anxiety.
Let go of the fear.
Let go of it all.
I am in control of my life.
And sometimes I will be hard on myself.
And sometimes I will fail at my job.
And sometimes I won’t sleep at night.
But I’ll be okay.
I’ll learn. I’ll grow. I’ll develop.
There’s no where to go but up.
And now, good night.
I hope you all sleep well. And that I do too.