Learning, Growing, and Bleeding

It’s been 3 months since I started doing child protection. I realized this today as I worked through my case load. 

3 months. And I’m still not sure about what I’m doing. 

It’s been a roller coaster. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. I think this blog reflects that. 

I don’t know what I think about this job yet. I don’t know if I’m any good at it. I don’t know if I want to do it. 

But reflection on these last 3 months is important I think. 

I have learned a lot about myself over the last 3 months. 

I take criticism personally. I internalize it. I hold on to it and relive it over and over again. 

I hate confrontation. I trip on my words. I have a good game plan and then it disappears. I get flustered. 

I am task orientated. I like to get things done. I want to accomplish things, cross them off my to do list. Which is challenging when the to do list is only ever growing and I never accomplish the things that need to be done.

I’m good at paperwork. I’m fast. When I have time, I can get things done. I can power through and accomplish things. When I have time. 

My coping skills aren’t enough. I struggle daily, nightly, to let go. To live. To leave the work behind. Some days I feel like I’m drowning. Others are better.  

It’s hard to ask for help. Even when I know I need it. Even when I know exactly what I need. I want to do it myself. 

I’m hard on myself. I remember what I do wrong more than what I do right. And I dwell on it. 

I have empathy. I feel for the parents I work with. I want them to succeed. I don’t want to have to make the hard choices that end up hurting them, even if it is the best. 

I thrive on crisis. I think anyways. When things have to happen urgently, I feel capable of making those called and decisions and acting on them. 

I hate phone calls. Full disclosure, I already knew that. But I’m on the phone so much of the time now. Always talking to people. It’s exhausting. 

There’s a lot I didn’t, and still don’t, know. There are so many more things to learn. There are so many things I need to know that I don’t. 

I’m a work in progress. I’m learning. Growing. Improving. Sometimes bleeding. No one ever said growth was painless right?


Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for:

  • Pumpkin: I suppose this is a typical 20something white girl thing, but I can’t help it. Pumpkin everything! I’ve had a pumpkin spice latte and a pumpkin scone this week. Maybe tomorrow I’ll make pumpkin cookies….
  • Sunday school: I love kids. And the biggest downside of my job, is that I don’t get to see kids nearly enough. But twice a month I teach Sunday school, adorable 5 year olds, and it is amazing. 
  • Family: I had a large, extended family gathering this week. They don’t happen every often but they are always fun. It is great to catch up with everyone and just chat and laugh. 

What are you thankful for this week?

The Power of Positive ThinkingĀ 

Lately this blog has been a bundle of negativity. 

Everything my fingers type is negative after negative after negative.

They are the thoughts in my head, they need to come out somewhere, and this blog seems to be the place it happens. 

But negativity breeds negativity. And the more I write about the negativity the more I feel bad about myself. The more negative I feel. 

I’ve always been hard on myself. I’ve always been my own worst critic. My own worst enemy. Aren’t we all at times?

But at some point I have to let it go. I have to trust myself. I have to not live in this place where everything is awful. 

It seems stupid. I feel like I am telling myself to think happy thoughts. 

But I guess what I am really telling myself is think positive. Let go of the negative. Fake it till you make it. 

I don’t want to live in a cloud of negativity anymore. I don’t want to feel this way about myself anymore. 

I want to move on. To move up. To grow in confidence. To grow in skill. To feel good about myself. 

So here we go. The power of positive thinking.

I think I can do this. I think I can do okay. 

I think I will be okay. 

The Terrifying Thoughts in my HeadĀ 

I think I might hate my job. 

I think I might be bad at. 

I think I might be horrible at it. 

And it’s terrifying. Utterly terrifying. 

I don’t sleep because of these thoughts. 

Did I make a mistake taking a job in child protection?

What happens if I can’t do it?

Are kids at risk because I don’t know what I’m doing? Or what I should be doing?

How long can I do a job that I might hate?

These are the thoughts in my head. When I wake up in the morning. When I think about what I need to get done. When I drive home at the end of the day. When I try to fall asleep at night. When I wake up in the middle of the night. 

And the cycle continues. 

Why? Why did I do this? Will this feeling change? How long can I wait for them to change? How long can these thoughts continue before the stress adds up and destroys me? 

The stress is killing me. I feel okay about myself when I’m at work. And then the quiet comes. The quiet comes and I can’t stop thinking. And I second guess everything I said, and did, and the decisions I made or didn’t make. 

It’s infecting my life. My time off. My sleep. 

I don’t know what to do. 

It’s been 3 months. And nothing has changed.

I feel incompetent. I feel inept. I feel like a failure. 

It’s so hard to admit that. To myself and anyone else. 

Because admitting it makes it true. Makes it real. 

And if it’s real, what do I do? 

What if I hate my job? What if I can’t do it? What if I’m failing? What if I want out?

These thoughts in my head are terrifying. 

I want to feel good about myself. 

But all I feel is bad. 

I think I might hate my job…

Beauty in the Ugly

This was my day. Or maybe my week. Ugly upon ugly upon ugly. 

Mostly self inflicted. Things that maybe don’t appear ugly except to me. 

And where is the beauty? I am struggling to find it any where right now. 

I need someone to point it out to me. Where is beauty? 

Where is the beauty in the monotonous work you do but that never seems to make a difference? Where is the beauty in the to do list that never gets shorter? Where is the beauty in angry people demanding things from you? Where is the beauty in the stressful moments where nothing is going right? Where is the beauty when mistakes are adding up? Where is the beauty in the quiet moments when all you can see are the things that went wrong? Where is the beauty when you hardly sleep at night? 

Where is the beauty?

It’s up to me to find it and right now I can’t. 

All I see is ugly.