3 months. And I’m still not sure about what I’m doing.
It’s been a roller coaster. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. I think this blog reflects that.
I don’t know what I think about this job yet. I don’t know if I’m any good at it. I don’t know if I want to do it.
But reflection on these last 3 months is important I think.
I have learned a lot about myself over the last 3 months.
I take criticism personally. I internalize it. I hold on to it and relive it over and over again.
I hate confrontation. I trip on my words. I have a good game plan and then it disappears. I get flustered.
I am task orientated. I like to get things done. I want to accomplish things, cross them off my to do list. Which is challenging when the to do list is only ever growing and I never accomplish the things that need to be done.
I’m good at paperwork. I’m fast. When I have time, I can get things done. I can power through and accomplish things. When I have time.
My coping skills aren’t enough. I struggle daily, nightly, to let go. To live. To leave the work behind. Some days I feel like I’m drowning. Others are better.
It’s hard to ask for help. Even when I know I need it. Even when I know exactly what I need. I want to do it myself.
I’m hard on myself. I remember what I do wrong more than what I do right. And I dwell on it.
I have empathy. I feel for the parents I work with. I want them to succeed. I don’t want to have to make the hard choices that end up hurting them, even if it is the best.
I thrive on crisis. I think anyways. When things have to happen urgently, I feel capable of making those called and decisions and acting on them.
I hate phone calls. Full disclosure, I already knew that. But I’m on the phone so much of the time now. Always talking to people. It’s exhausting.
There’s a lot I didn’t, and still don’t, know. There are so many more things to learn. There are so many things I need to know that I don’t.
I’m a work in progress. I’m learning. Growing. Improving. Sometimes bleeding. No one ever said growth was painless right?