I think I might hate my job.
I think I might be bad at.
I think I might be horrible at it.
And it’s terrifying. Utterly terrifying.
I don’t sleep because of these thoughts.
Did I make a mistake taking a job in child protection?
What happens if I can’t do it?
Are kids at risk because I don’t know what I’m doing? Or what I should be doing?
How long can I do a job that I might hate?
These are the thoughts in my head. When I wake up in the morning. When I think about what I need to get done. When I drive home at the end of the day. When I try to fall asleep at night. When I wake up in the middle of the night.
And the cycle continues.
Why? Why did I do this? Will this feeling change? How long can I wait for them to change? How long can these thoughts continue before the stress adds up and destroys me?
The stress is killing me. I feel okay about myself when I’m at work. And then the quiet comes. The quiet comes and I can’t stop thinking. And I second guess everything I said, and did, and the decisions I made or didn’t make.
It’s infecting my life. My time off. My sleep.
I don’t know what to do.
It’s been 3 months. And nothing has changed.
I feel incompetent. I feel inept. I feel like a failure.
It’s so hard to admit that. To myself and anyone else.
Because admitting it makes it true. Makes it real.
And if it’s real, what do I do?
What if I hate my job? What if I can’t do it? What if I’m failing? What if I want out?
These thoughts in my head are terrifying.
I want to feel good about myself.
But all I feel is bad.
I think I might hate my job…