The Terrifying Thoughts in my Head 

I think I might hate my job. 

I think I might be bad at. 

I think I might be horrible at it. 

And it’s terrifying. Utterly terrifying. 

I don’t sleep because of these thoughts. 

Did I make a mistake taking a job in child protection?

What happens if I can’t do it?

Are kids at risk because I don’t know what I’m doing? Or what I should be doing?

How long can I do a job that I might hate?

These are the thoughts in my head. When I wake up in the morning. When I think about what I need to get done. When I drive home at the end of the day. When I try to fall asleep at night. When I wake up in the middle of the night. 

And the cycle continues. 

Why? Why did I do this? Will this feeling change? How long can I wait for them to change? How long can these thoughts continue before the stress adds up and destroys me? 

The stress is killing me. I feel okay about myself when I’m at work. And then the quiet comes. The quiet comes and I can’t stop thinking. And I second guess everything I said, and did, and the decisions I made or didn’t make. 

It’s infecting my life. My time off. My sleep. 

I don’t know what to do. 

It’s been 3 months. And nothing has changed.

I feel incompetent. I feel inept. I feel like a failure. 

It’s so hard to admit that. To myself and anyone else. 

Because admitting it makes it true. Makes it real. 

And if it’s real, what do I do? 

What if I hate my job? What if I can’t do it? What if I’m failing? What if I want out?

These thoughts in my head are terrifying. 

I want to feel good about myself. 

But all I feel is bad. 

I think I might hate my job…

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