Ready, set…date?

I’m single. 

I’m 26 years old. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I’m single. 

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with my singleness. As most people do I think. 

I want to be in a relationship. I want to be with someone, to get married, to have children. I want to have a person in my life who knows me, who loves me, who challenges me, who complements me. 

But I enjoy being single. Being with myself. Answering to no one but me. Life on my terms. 

I’ve believed, and still do, that part of the reason I have remained single is to work on myself. To be happy with myself. To be content with myself. To know who I am, and to be who I am with God. 

And I’ve done that. I know who I am. I am closer to God then I ever have been. And I am content with my life. Even while wanting more.

But here’s the thing, I do want more. 

But where do you find it?

I love my church, nearly everything about it. But the one downside is there are very few single people (male or female). So I’m not finding a relationship there. 

My friends don’t have a lot of single friends. And if they do, they probably don’t share my religious beliefs which would be a deal breaker. 

I’m not going to bars, I don’t talk to random strangers at the coffee shop, I’m not part of any clubs or groups. 

So where does that leave me?

Well, in this world of online living, I guess that leaves online dating. 

So I did it. 

And now I am nervous about it. This is an intentional decision to date. To change my life. To be vulnerable. To open up. To have a relationship. 

And maybe that’s what I want. In fact it is what I want. 

But the choice is scarey. 

It’s a leap of faith.

I’m not even sure I know what I’m looking for in a relationship. In a partner. 

Maybe this won’t work. Maybe it will just be another learning experience. Maybe st the end of it I will be in the same place I am now. 

Or maybe not. 

Either way, I won’t know until I try. 

So here goes nothing. 

Read, set, date. 

Indespensible

My boss told me once, on one of my first days in my position, that I was not indespensible. 

Which sounds harsh. But it’s true, even the most valuable employee is not indespensibe. 

People quit, or are let go, or go on leave. And the company or agency goes on. Those individuals are replaced, the work continues, and while those people are missed things go on as if nothing has changed. 

What my boss meant by those words, and what I mean, is that no one is indespensible and so work cannot be everything. He was encouraging me to have a work-life balance, to have a life outside of work.

I’ve known a lot of workaholics. My dad was one – always working, long extra hours, always on the phone or checking emails. Some of my friends are. And for one, it cost our friendship as she was working too much to have time for relationships. Another friend over worked herself to the point where she was breaking down every night. 

I think the truth that everyone needs to know is the bit of wisdom my boss imparted on me: you are not indespensible. 

For me, this means I do my work and I do it well. I work the time I need to work, and occasionally a bit extra. But then I leave work. I go home and I have my life. I leave work behind and focus on myself and what I want. 

Because my life is mine. It will not be replaced. It will be what I put it into it. It is based on my choices and my actions. My life is important. 

And work is an important part of it. But it is just a part. The other parts are just as important. My friends, my family, my God, myself. 

It all matters. Every piece of it. 

But work is replaceable. Jobs can be changed. Work will come and go. 

I only have one life. And I will live it to its fullest. 

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

Happy thanksgiving everyone! Or at least to the Canadians. 

It honour of thanksgiving, I am making a list of the things I am thankful for this year

Challenges: life without challenge is static. Life with challenges is, well, challenging. Yet worth it. My life has been full of challenges over the last year, and more specifically the last few months, and it has been hard, stressful, and exhausting. But I think I will, and have to some degree, look back over this time and be glad that I took it on. 

Prayer: I have struggled with consistent prayer throughout my life. And that has changed. But I’ve seen the power of prayer, the difference that it can make. We are called to pray without ceasing. And though I do not succeed at that, I am striving towards that. 

Friends: I am a bit of a loner and have very few friends who really know deep into my soul. But I am so thankful for the friends that I have. For the laughter I am able to have with them. For the coworkers who have become friends that understand this job. For family that have become some of the closest friends that I have. 

Church: I absolutely love my church. It is amazing. And it brings me closer to God every Sunday. I am not as connected as I probably should be, I don’t have the relationships at church that would probably be benenficial for me, but when I am there I feel the presence of God. I feel moved and convicted. I feel filled and comforted. I feel like I belong. 

I am thankful for a million other things too: family, a roof over my head, a steady job, trips and vacations, the promise for my future. 

What are you thankful for this year?

Shifting Perspectives 

Sometimes it’s a slow change. A gradual shift. So slow it is not evident until it is there, and it has changed. 

If you’ve read this blog, you know how I’ve been feeling. Lost, confused, overwhelmed, stressed. 

But a shift has happened in the last few weeks. 

A shift from negativity to positivity. A shift from feeling lost to feeling found. 

And I know what’s changed. And it’s not me, it’s not my work product, or my knowledge. 

It’s prayer. 

A few weeks ago some people told me they were praying for me. I opened up to some people (outside of this blog) about how I was feeling. And I prayed for myself. 

And prayer changes things.

The job didn’t suddenly change. The people are still the same, with the same challenges. There is still more work to do than time to do it. I am still learning the job and what to do with it. 

But I’ve changed. 

I’ve been less negative.  I’ve been more confident. I’ve been at peace with the decision I made to take this position. 

And with peace comes a lot of other things. I sleep at night. I am happier. I am not mentally drained every day (most of the time). 

Prayer made a shift in my mind. In my thoughts. In my perspective. 

I wrote once that without God I couldn’t do this job. And that is true. 

This job, more than anything else in my life, is teaching me of my daily reliance on God. Years ago I came to a place where I knew I needed God in my life. But the day to day need, the day to day dependence on Him was slow to come. 

But now I see it. Now I see it every single day. 

When I am weak, God is strong. When I am lost, God will guide me. When I have no answers, God is wise. 

Prayer. My own. Other people’s. It makes a difference. 

It shifted my perspective. 

If you’ve been praying for me, thank you. It means the world to me. 

If you need prayer, ask. Here or with someone else you know. Prayer means something. 

God is good. God is there. God is here.