It’s an elusive thing isn’t it?
Tomorrow I will work harder.
Tomorrow I will finish that thing.
Tomorrow things will come together.
Tomorrow I’ll be more motivated.
Tomorrow I’ll have that conversation.
Tomorrow I will succeed.
The problem is there will always be a tomorrow and tomorrow will never come.
What will you do today?
It has been one of those weeks.
A week that started and ended with work emergencies and unsafe children.
A week that included calling the police 3 times.
A week that included a child throwing up on me twice.
A week that included more f bombs than I can count. (My personal favourite being ‘have an f-ing good day’ as I was being hung up on).
A week that included working until 730pm one night and working late the other 3.
A week that included a parent blaming me for all their choices in front of a judge, lying about things that I said or did, and me being unable to defend myself.
A week that included witnessing a car accident and waiting out in the rain for emergency personal for nearly 30 minutes.
A week that included short lunch breaks, early mornings, and late nights, and an inability to let things go.
A week that had so many emergencies that other things just didn’t get done.
And it is my Friday off.
The week is over. Next week it will start again, with different crisis and needs. I will use my time off to relax and recharge before the world explodes again.
Now excuse me while I go binge watch Gilmore Girls.
Deep breathe in.
And let it out slowly.
That’s how it feels lately. Like a deep breath being let out at last. And with it, the stress and worry and hardships are being let out too.
I’ve learned that I write when I’m in turmoil. When my thoughts are stuck in my head. When I’m overwhelmed. And stressed. And losing control.
But that is fading now.
I am finally feeling settled.
It happened slowly. Gradually. Without even realizing it.
My confidence grew. My skills grew.
My stress declined.
I can’t tell you what exactly changed. I can’t identify the things that are different in me now than they were a few months ago.
But I feel settled. I feel secure.
I feel like I’ll survive.
The job is still the job. It’s still stressful. It’s still overwhelming. There is still so much that I don’t know.
But the settled feeling has come over me.
And it feels good.
And I hope that it lasts.
Deep breath out.