What is in your heart?
That’s the question I’ve been asking myself.
Lately at church and at bible study there has been a common theme: what comes out was always inside your heart.
And it’s the heart that has to change.
Lately I’ve been stressed. Overwhelmed. Over worked. Yelled at by clients. Told how to do my job by people who would never do my job. Removed more children then I’d like to admit too. With more work to do then I know what to do with.
I’ve been exhausted. In every way possible. I’ve been on the verge of tears multiple times. I’ve had more to drink then I’d like to admit to.
And one other thing too. I’ve been angry.
Not at a specific person. But at life. At the situations I find myself it. And, okay, sometimes at specific person.
I’ve been bitter.
I’ve been angry.
And it’s come out.
It’s come out in f-bombs and other swearing. It’s come out in how I’ve spoken about people. It’s come out in how I deal with people in my personal life.
Now part of me says this is a stress response. It’s the emotions of what I’ve seen and what I’ve done in the last few weeks coming out. And it has to come out. Because to let it build up will only lead to an explosion.
But the other part of me, the small quiet voice in my head, asks a question: what is in your heart?
And right now it is anger.
And maybe it is righteous anger in some ways. Anger at children being vulnerable. Anger at systems that fail people. Anger at the load that keeps being piled upon me.
But is that really justified? Is anger ever okay? What is at the base of that anger?
This is what I am wrestling with right now.
I want my heart to be full of love. For the outpouring of my heart to be love.
I don’t like this version of myself that I am becoming. Even if there is a justified reason that it is happening.
I don’t want to be angry anymore.
Please God, take the anger out of my heart. Bring me your peace.