Can anyone see me?

I used to ask myself this when I was in the darkest of places. 

Can anyone see me?

It was prompted by a desire to be known. To mean something to someone. To be present. 

For it to matter if I was gone. 

And it was prompted by a fear that I was meaningless, invisible, worthless. 

I like to think those days are behind me. But every now and then the thoughts creep back in.

Can anyone see me?

The question goes around and around in my mind. 

I used to be known. I used to have friends who knew my heart, my dreams and my fears. There used to be people who could see me and know what questions to ask. I used to have people who would challenge and convict me, who would help me grow into a better person. 

But something changed.

Time. Distance. Life. 

Me. 

I don’t know what it is now. 

I have friends. 

But I feel fractured.

This group gets work me. 

This group gets fun me.

This group gets serious me. 

What group gets all of me?

Who really knows me? 

In high school I was an expert at putting on a face. Of being the person people expected me to be. Of being the person people needed me to be. But it was at the cost of my own identity.

Sometimes I worry that that is happening again. 

There are different versions of me and beneath it all I wonder who am I? 

And I know, I know who I am. But does anyone else? 

I walk into a room and I wonder does anyone notice? 

And more importantly, would anyone notice if I didn’t walk in that room anymore? 

And I wonder if I matter. Or am I just a presence? Here today and gone tomorrow.

Or was I ever really here? 

I feel broken and fractured. I feel like I want something and don’t know how to obtain it. I want to be vulnerable and real with someone. I want to be known. I want to be here. I want to matter. 

I want to be seen. 

And right now, all I can do is ask myself can anyone see me? Does it matter that I am here? If I disappeared tomorrow would anyone notice? 

Can anyone see me?

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