Exhaustion


Ever had one of these days? 

I do, all the time. 

Today was one of those days 

A day with a four hour planning meeting to avoid making intrusive decisions. 

A day with an internal conflict so extreme tears came out. 

A day in which I had to be the hard ass but also support a family to get to a place of understanding. 

A day in which other professionals told me how to do my job while never having walked in my shoes. 

A day in which people said one thing to me and another to the parents. 

A day which had me eating lunch at 3pm. 

A day which included a parking ticket because my meeting went two hours longer than intended. 

A day that had me advocating for something I’m not sure is in the best interests of the child or the right thing to do. 

A day that resulted in me sitting on a hospital floor, with tears rolling down my face, and uncertainty everywhere. 

A day that is hard to let go of. 

I’m exhausted. Exhausted deep to my bones. Emotionally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Mentally exhausted. 

I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel. 

I spend all day being strong. 

Being sure of my choices and decisions in front of parents. Being direct with people. Explaining what I think over and over in the most clear and concise way. I act confident because I have to. 

But away from the parents and the professionals it’s different. In private moments with my boss and team, in the quiet moments by myself, all that is left is exhaustion.

Exhaustion and tears. 

I am strong.

But some days I just act strong. 

Enough

I was sitting in a lodge this weekend, surrounded by the never ending falling snow wondering about one word: contentment. 

It was a women’s retreat, all about finding contentment. Contentment in possessions, relationships, circumstances. 

The question I struggled with the most was how to be content with relationships I don’t have. 

I’ve always struggled with this. This desire in my heart to be married and have children. To see people in love, to hear stories of both trials and triumphs, to see the faces of loving children. And I think to myself, I want that. 

And so far, God has said not yet. Or maybe he is saying no. 

But what this question comes down to is being content with myself. Right? Am I content with myself, with my current circumstances, with what I have right now. Am I enough?

But dig deeper and an even bigger truth comes out: is God enough? 

The obvious answer, the Sunday school answer, the right answer for a life long Christian is yes. 

Yes of course God is enough. Obviously. He is God. 

But saying yes and living yes are two different things. 

Saying yes is easy. Believing yes is hard. 

My head knows the truth: God is enough. My heart has harder time. 

God is enough. He is the giver and sustainer of life. He is everything. He is and was and is to come. He knows the thoughts in my head and the desires in my heart. He knows my past, my present, and my future. 

He has a plan for me. And it might not be my plan for myself. 

God knows what I need better than I ever will. And the truth is all my needs are met in Him. 

My prayer: help me to believe that. And help me to live that. God is enough. 

God is more than enough. 

The Art of Mistakes 

They always say that mistakes help you learn, help you grow. Mistakes make you stronger, smarter, better. So make mistakes and learn from them. 

Easier said then done, am I right? 

I wrote once, not so long ago, about mistakes I had been making, both small and big. And they seemed to compile in my mind and become bigger and bigger.

I replayed them over and over and over again until my destructive thought process began to lead to a destructive life style. 

I learn from my mistakes though. And that’s the point right? 

It isn’t about being perfect, it’s about learning. 

I have learned a lot. I’ve learned the proper way to talk to people. I’ve learned how to keep on top of urgent things. I’ve learned how to prioritize. I’ve learned how to build relationships with people who wish I didn’t exist. I’ve learned how to deliver horrible news (or at least I’m working on it). 

I’ve learned things in my personal life too. I’ve learned to let go. I’ve learned how to sleep. I’ve learned how to process. I’ve learned how to cope. 

I’m not perfect. Far from it. But I can guarantee that I learn. And I do better next time. 

I’ve seen a lot, from clients and coworkers, of people who chose never to learn from their mistakes. Never take responsibility for the choices that they’ve made, never own up to it. 

I don’t want to be like that. 

I want to learn and grow. 

And that’s the art of making mistakes isn’t it?

The art of accepting mistakes are going to happen. 

The art of taking responsibility for those mistakes. 

And the art of learning from them. 

Ready? Set? Grow. 

It’s Okay to not be Okay¬†

I remember watching a commercial, years and years ago, about depression. 

It was probably advertising some kind of drug but the part I remember was the question it asked:

Who does depression hurt? Everyone 

And now I’m realizing how true that is. 

I’ve been depressed before. And I wonder now how much it hurt the people around me. How much it hurt them and I didn’t even realize. 

But I know it did. It hurt them. Perhaps changed them irrevocably. 

Friends who tried to help, and I pushed them away. Or ignored their suggestions. 

I wanted to suffer in silence. To hold on to the pain like a shield. To dwell in my misery because it was easier than searching for a way out. 

I eventually found a way out. I found light in the darkness. I found myself. I found God. 

But there was a lot of misery before that. 

If I could do it all over again, I wish I would have gotten help. I wish I would have seen a counsellor. I wish I didn’t stay alone in darkness. 

At the time it felt like a weakness to admit to being depressed. It felt wrong to tell people what was going on inside of me. It felt like that would define me forever. 

But the truth is, if I had seen someone, I would have gotten through it faster and stronger. I would have had coping mechanism to prevent it from coming back. I would have been able to let it out instead of holding it all inside of me. 

I wish our society didn’t think it was wrong to let it be known. 

And I wish I had been brave. 

I hope the stigma is going away. Although I don’t think it has. I think there is still a fear of coming forward and speaking out. A fear of getting the help that is needed. 

And honestly it is everything that is wrong with our society. 

Here is what I would say to my younger self, and to people now, if I could:

It’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel pain and darkness and fear.  But you don’t have to suffer alone. Ask for help. From friends, from family. And keep asking for help until you get the help you need. And don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid to say the words. Don’t be afraid to let people know. Don’t be afraid to talk to a professional. Be vulnerable, be real, be you. Even when it’s hard. Because it’s okay, it’s okay to not be okay. 

The Eyes of the Beholder

Any One Tree Hill fans out there? 

I’ve been watching it lately (binge watching it to be in fact). It was quite a while ago where there was this episode where they are exploring their identities with a partner. Brooke Davis, who is rich, beautiful, talented, successful, and popular, shares her insecurities with her partner and it results in this picture:


I think this is how we all feel sometimes. These are the insecurities that come out. 

I’m not good enough. 

Not pretty enough. 

Not tall enough. 

Not smart enough. 

Not talented enough. 

Not outgoing enough. 

Not open enough. 

The list can go on and on and on. 

I can tell you all the things that I am not enough of. 

A couple of weeks ago, in a sermon, my pastor said: when God looks at you, he doesn’t see your flaws. He sees Jesus. 

I know it’s obvious. But it is also profound. 

I could tell you all the reasons that I am not enough, that I don’t deserve the grace of God, that I don’t deserve salvation. 

I could make a list of the things I don’t do that I should, and the things I do do that I shouldn’t. 

I could (and do) break myself down in every way imaginable. 

And when I do, I wonder how God could love me. How God could forgive me. How God could keep me. 

 But here’s what I was reminded of: God doesn’t see me, he sees Jesus. 

And the truth is I’m not deserving. I’m not good enough. And yet, Jesus died for me. 

And in that image that I posted of Brooke Davis, that is what I see. What the world see. 

But not what God sees. God sees the perfect sacrifice of Jesus. 

And that is all He sees. 

R & R


This is what I was enjoying just a few weeks ago. 

Nothing but sun and sea. Food and drink. Rest and relaxation. 

It was great. 

It rejuvenated my heart and my soul. 

I felt utterly relaxed. And completely rested. Rejuvenated. Refreshed. (Any more R words?) 

And then reality came back (there’s one) 

It’s easy to forget that rest and relaxation. Coming back after 2 weeks off means you hit the ground running and don’t look back. 

But let’s  forget that for a moment and remember the vacation. 

I was in Mexico. For Christmas. (First time being away for Christmas…it was weird) 

I spent at least part of every day sun tanning (I’m kind of a sun baby). And reading.


I spent some time exploring. Think snorkelling. Mayan ruins. Exploring islands. 



 But mostly just lounging. 

It was great. 

And reality returned. But for at least a little bit I will dwell on the R&R

Tomorrow


Tomorrow. 

It’s an elusive thing isn’t it?

Tomorrow I will work harder. 

Tomorrow I will finish that thing. 

Tomorrow things will come together. 

Tomorrow I’ll be more motivated. 

Tomorrow I’ll have that conversation. 

Tomorrow I will succeed. 

The problem is there will always be a tomorrow and tomorrow will never come. 

What will you do today?